March is almost over and I cannot believe we are a quarter into 2024. It has been a month full of activity and joy. My family has unintentionally created some fun little memories and I love that we have taken the time to step away from the workload to enjoy one another. This has been so fulfilling and definitely brought on the joy of Spring. 

As I mentioned in my last month's post, I got a little taste of performing again and it was rejuvenating! I rode that wave for several days until I came back down to earth and realized that I needed to move on. The experience was a good indicator that I am not done yet! But in regards to what my next move is as a career, going back into the dance studio to teach full time just doesn't seem like a good fit for the moment. But I definitely miss the creative aspect! I have found creativity in the most random ways- cooking fun new recipes, organizing small spaces, learning my son's favorite songs on guitar, and even photographing the new recipes on my nice, new camera! These have all been interesting ways that provide a little highlight and temporarily check that creative box. But they aren't movements and they aren't physical. So I eventually found myself in the same place of feeling like something was missing. 

I have often written about the loss of identity as a parent, specifically a mother. Consider your childhood friends growing up. How many of them did you actually know their mother or father’s name? I remember a friend named “Jessie” and I actually called her mom “Mrs. Jessie”! While it was my sad attempt at being comically respectful, I now realize that it may have been more hurtful. When I was pregnant, I knew that some change was inevitable. But I don’t know if I realized just how much. 

With my son being young, it became obvious that things would be easier and possibly better if I left my job. I would be capable of being the primary caregiver with significantly less stress. It would simplify so many aspects of our life. But it would also leave me searching for purpose and meaning, outside of being a mom. Many will call this selfish, as children are a blessing and I am fortunate that my husband can support a family. But does that make my point any less relevant? How many wives and mothers became “Joe’s Mom” and “Harry’s wife”? My own mom took a back seat to be my dad’s cheerleader and my own, as well. And though I was so grateful for all of the time she invested and all of the sacrifices she made, I now wonder if she felt the same way I do at times. Did she miss being a part of some of her favorite activities? I can attest that my mom currently is living her best life and I hope that my retirement can mirror hers. But I do think it is worth acknowledging that so much changes in a mother’s life while her children are young. That does a lot to a person. 

So while I am still figuring out what to do with this new position, I do my best to take care of myself. That includes working out at home, listening to personal development, dance parties in the kitchen, and making time for me to breathe. Of course this is in addition to planning meals, budget grocery shopping, and trying to keep my house from looking like the mess from a 4-year old residing here. And it’s not all bad! I actually forgot how much I enjoy cooking! I also have found some pleasure in meal planning, as strange as that sounds. Googling and researching healthy, creative ways to make chicken is just calming. To be honest, I wonder how I was able to make this work when I was working full-time. No wonder I was a stressed out mess! But doing these things has forced me back to the core of my being. And while I might not be who I used to be, I am finding root in who I have become and continue to grow into. There are growing pains, but that’s where that breath and mindfulness comes into play. And with this Spring, may we continue to grow and blossom into the beautiful humans we desire to be. Happy dancing, mommas.

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Here we are in 2024. After a pretty awful January, which we will just skip all together, I am happy to be propelled into a new month and the "love" month. There were so many negative things that started the year, but one positive shined it's light so bright that I haven't looked back since. And that light was the one that dancers often seek...the spotlight. 

Now, I do not skate around the fact that I am no longer a young, 20 something performer. I have made my peace with my age and status in the business. But one thing that I have often reminisced  about was my time onstage. Even after my son was born, I would have strange dreams of last minute calls to participate in one performance of a Broadway production that was in dire need of a stand-in. Still, I never expected to return to the stage again as a dancer. I thought that ship had sailed. That is until last week.

A fellow performer of mine reached out to me regarding an opportunity to perform in a one night only corporate gig as a "Ginger Rogers" character. I would do a little singing, but also some tapping and other dancing. My initial instinct was to scream yes! But then, I had so many things to consider-rehearsal times, drop off/pickup at my son's school, my husband's work schedule, and so on. These details were much easier to sort out when it was just my husband and me. I approached him, thinking he would say that it isn't worth my time and energy. But his answer pleasantly surprised me. He told me that if I wanted to do it for me, then I should. So, after sorting out all of the details of childcare, babysitters, and transportation, I happily agreed.

I did my best to prepare for rehearsals, but as I am no spring chicken, I also had to listen to my body. Some workouts proved to be a little too much too soon and I just needed to stretch and do my best to keep my body sound. Day one of rehearsal came and I was giddy with excitement. I did not know anyone and was eager to be back in the mix. The choreography was stunning and sharp and I had little moments of joy just watching the dancers. Learning some tap choreography again brought forth bursts of enthusiastic energy and memories of my favorite rehearsal processes came flooding back. The silly casual banter, the inside jokes, and the laughter all made way for each of us to break down that wall and get to know each individual just a little bit more. This was what it felt like to belong to a little artistic tribe again. For the first time in over six years, I felt validated, strong, capable, fulfilled, and joyful all at the same time. Of course, motherhood brings forth similar feelings, but those are shared. This was something that belonged to me and only me. And that was something that I had not experienced in a very long time. 

The one night only performance brought forward even more emotions. There was a lump in my throat that I felt during my first dress rehearsal when I realized that I 100% belonged up there, even though I was older and had not been on a stage in five plus years. I began to see that maybe hanging up my dance shoes wasn't in the cards after all. My entrance required me to stand on the side of the stage in character for a couple of minutes before crossing to begin my performance. During that time, a thought crossed my mind that pleasantly surprised me-I was not nervous! Not even slightly! Thinking back, I believe it was because I had the realization that I was right where I was meant to be. And I deserved this. After the performance, I confessed to the choreographers that it was my first time on the stage in over six years. Their surprise filled me with a lot of pride, as this showed that even a long absence can be hidden by a seasoned professional. One of them told me, "don't stop" and the other exclaimed "she's back baby!". Their enthusiasm for my return just added more fulfillment to the moment. 

Now I don't know if this means I am destined to return to the stage long term. It was challenging enough to figure out childcare and meals for one week. But what I do know is that a number does not mean that I have reached an expiration as a dancer or performer. And being a mother certainly does not either. For now, I will continue to bask in the glow of the spotlight from last week. And until I feel it again, I will remind myself that age nor parental status do not define who I am as an artist. May you have a beautiful February dancing, mommas!

Happy Holiday! (*cue Any Williams’s voice). December is here and it is the time of year when we load up on gifts, sweets and treats, and good old fashioned fun! I noticed that since I have become a parent, I watch the calendar closely and note ALL of the events that I want to participate in and the multiple things that need to be done. Each day that passes, I worry that I am falling behind or missing out on something. This year, I am trying to not get so wrapped up in it and just watch as my 3 year-old unwraps magic each day. 

For the first time ever, I actually have time this season. In the past, it’s been performances, competitions, and final projects to complete. There was always a lot of scrambling to complete the end of year tasks! But this year, all of my obligations are complete! This gives me the time to consider what I am gifting, where I am going, and soak up the joy of the season. Because of this, I find myself reflecting on my journey the last few years, leading up to now. 

2023 was one for the books. My husband and I had a LOT of milestones. One of my biggest obviously being that I left my job to tend to our son. But for me personally, I had a lot of self discovery. I discovered that my passion for horses and the country life is far from gone and I love embracing it with my little cowboy. I discovered how much I enjoy cooking when I have time to plan for meals and research recipes. I discovered that when I am not overtired from work, I have energy to be fun and silly with my son. And most recently, I discovered that who I am and what I do is so much more than a paycheck. So many of us, mothers and women especially, equate our value to monetary compensation. I had a recent experience that made me realize that sometimes, the most beautiful opportunities won’t pay a dime. Does that make me less worthy as a human? Mother? Dance teacher or choreographer? I think quite the opposite. 

This past fall, I had the opportunity to volunteer at my son’s school to teach creative movement. I have taught little ones off and on throughout my career, but the joy that it brought the kiddos fed my soul more than any other time before. And the smile on my little guy when he walked through the door and saw me was indescribable! It was at that moment that I realized that no dollar sign could amount to that 20 minutes that I had sharing my passion with my son. And the experience we had together was one that I will never forget. 

While we often spend money for lavish experiences or go to great extremes to purchase items, I am trying this holiday season to not go overboard. My family is so blessed and I am so excited about the memories we will create this holiday season. This will be a unique year and I look forward to everyone I get to share it with. So instead of dropping a ton of money on gifts, I am trying to put my effort into memories. After all, toys and material things can break, we will have memories forever. Happy holidays and happy dancing mommas!

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Okay, fall is halfway over and I cannot believe how fast time seems to be moving. I thought that if I were home a bit more and able to stay caught up on my priorities outside of the studio, time might slow down a bit. Boy, was I wrong! The one difference is that I do get to take more time to enjoy those impromptu moments without feeling guilty about doing something else. That is one way that I have adjusted and adapted to this new lifestyle.

I know that I keep talking about burnout and how to recover from it, but it seems to be a hot topic everywhere. There are so many elements that contribute to this and they are all significant and can contribute to creating healthier habits. I have been listening to some mindful master classes as personal development. The current class addresses stress and how it can lead to burnout. Listening to Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe’s breakdown is like taking a deep look into my past and how I got here. It was during one of these sessions that I realized that I set myself up for this years ago and I didn’t even realize what I was doing. 

As I have stated before, I have prided myself on being busy and active in a variety of ways. Activities, school, jobs, you name it, I have constantly been active. The problem was as I got older and more involved in my career, I thought that the more I could be involved in, the better off I would be. When I first moved to Florida, I had not officially worked as a dancer in two years. Imagine my excitement when I booked a show, was hired for a new small local dance company, hired to choreograph a musical for children, and teach regular dance classes? It was all I had ever wanted! And I had the love of my life by my side! Seriously, what more could a person in my industry want? Forget the fact that I would drive to teach classes between shows on a two show day, rehearse on my one off day, and have to miss multiple family activities because of my schedule. It was just the nature of the business! The show must go on, right?! 

Fast forward to having one job where I could teach and choreograph all under the same roof. Sounds easier, right? Except when you have groomed yourself to never accept help because it’s easier to figure it out when you don’t have to explain yourself. And no one else can find costumes to support your vision or choreograph or teach your class the way you do, so why accept any handouts? Just suck it up and get it done. But then, you feel like something is wrong, physically. Did you strain something during that contemporary combination? Did you sleep weird? No, what are we saying! You have too much to think about-you are barely sleeping at all! You can barely get in and out of your car without severe pain and so you finally go get it checked out. It turns out, you have severe tension in your back that is putting pressure on your rib cage. That’s right. You have stressed yourself out to the point that your body does not know what to do anymore. Breathing alone is painful. So strap on some KT tape and go about your business. Fortunately, I haven’t put myself in this particular position again. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t experience this overwhelming feeling again. It just manifested itself in a different manner.

As a dancer, I was taught to always say yes and try not to ask questions. Fortunately, that model is changing and we are more accepting of dancers as individuals. But work was not always readily available so why would I turn it down? People in the entertainment industry often have to do random side hustles in between gigs to keep the lights turned on. Because of this, I think I got it in my head that I could never say no because I didn’t want to miss an opportunity. Guess what? After all of this time in the business, I finally had to. And not just for my own well-being, but for my families’. 

It’s November…No-vember. It is okay to say no to things to tend to your own priorities and well-being. My husband uses an analogy a lot and I think it is a perfect equation to live by. As a rule, we only have 100% of ourselves to dedicate to each day, sometimes less. That might be 50% to your job some days, less on others. And then maybe 10% to your personal priorities. And 40% to your family or maybe friends. But whatever the amount, you can never give more than 100%. If you try to give everything to everyone or everything, there will be nothing left for you. And if you don’t take care of yourself first, everything else will fail. Be well dancing mommas! Don’t forget to take care of you. I am so very thankful and blessed. 
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It’s October and I am finally feeling like autumn is calming and slowing me down. After many years of go, go, go, I like to take my time a bit more. That’s something that this new journey has allowed me to do-slow down and take note of my blessings and joy. 

Getting back to where I left off a few weeks ago, acknowledging and accepting burn out, I want to talk about one thing specifically. Guilt. Not just mom guilt, but guilt from feeling like I couldn’t handle everything. Doesn’t that sound silly? I felt guilty for not being able to work an 8 to 10 hour a day job, feed my family dinner, clean my house, be there for my son, and prep and plan for each day. That’s not even including the mass amounts of choreography, collaborations, birthday parties, special events, and so on. But the shame that I felt when I finally realized that I needed to step back from all of the dancing and theatre was heartbreaking. I felt like I let myself down for all of the work I had been doing since college. I wondered if that master’s degree was even worth it. Had I betrayed my career? And then I cried. I took a moment. And when I collected myself, I reflected on what my life had become and what it could be.

This morning, around 5:00, I got up and helped my husband get out the door. He didn’t ask, in fact he told me to go back to bed. I just wanted to. I am not sure that we will see each other later, so we spent about 10 minutes drinking coffee and talking because our son was still asleep. Any parent knows this is rare. I wrote this post and finished this second cup of coffee and did my daily workout. Then I got my little guy ready and out the door for school. Came home and did some chores and then revisited the choreography that remains of the one piece I am doing. Began planning for the two guest classes I will be teaching at one of the local colleges next week. This is all a significant workload. The difference is that now I have time to prioritize myself. I struggled to do that before. I felt like I was drowning in priorities and the need to appease everyone and everything around me was overwhelming. I believed that I was not doing a good job at ANY of my responsibilities-dance teacher, choreographer, mother, wife. So factoring my own self-care into the equation was just not possible. Yet, I struggled to let go of anything! Those were MY classes I built, MY choreography gigs and obligations, and that was who defined ME. But was it?

It’s been a few months since I started this new path. And as I said in my last post, I do not have to be defined by one thing. Yes, I am a dancer and that will never change as long as I don’t let it. But there are so many other layers to me, now including the role of mother. Guilt will not play a part in defining me. When I was younger, I did a speech for a competition. I was about 12 years old and I began with “I believe variety is the spice of life!”. I absolutely believe that! And wearing a lot of hats is nothing new for me. Some hats just need the dust brushed off a little bit. It is possible to be momma, dancer/choreographer/teacher, horseman, educator, cook, crafter, and so on. Maybe now that I have realized this, my son and I can grow together and he can try on some of those hats I mentioned. And sometimes, the living room dance parties might just have to be my performance for the day. I finally realized, that’s not just okay but it's perfect! Happy dancing mommas!

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It's June! Summer is officially here! Time for sunshine, pool parties, family gatherings, and quality time outside. While summer is normally a time for me to slow down, it feels different this year. My last post stated that I had some big change coming and I do. After ten years at the same incredible job, I decided to take a step back and spend some time rebuilding and perhaps reinventing. Or maybe just reflecting to get back to what it means to create and prioritize my relationships with my family. So far, nothing has happened.

Now it has only been a week since summer break started for me. And traditionally I have this time off anyway. But searching the internet trying to find opportunities that might allow me to exercise creativity without sacrificing time with my little guy is a challenge. And then of course, there is actual dancing. I dance around the house constantly when a song gets stuck in my head. I find myself doing relevés and dégagés while getting a glass of water. I am sure those habits are not new, but because I know that I will not be in a studio any time soon, I notice them more. And then I get a little downhearted. I have not known a time in my life where class, teaching, and the chance to move were truly unknown. Or maybe I have and I didn't realize it...

In 2020, my son was born. In January, I thought my year was off to an incredible start. I would soon learn that he would be introduced to the world through a screen. It would be months before family members would get to meet the latest edition. For some, even years. And my backyard, living room, nursery, and in-law's basement became my studio. That fall when I finally had the chance to enter a REAL dance studio, it was one of the best feelings I could have ever felt. But little did I know that a few years later, I would begin to view my personal space as a place to once again create. 

I know that I am not done with this artistic part of my life.  The significance of it's existence is such a huge part of me and who I am as a human. But maybe reinvent is the word I am searching for. Reinvent how I perceive what I have spent the last thirty plus years doing. And then redefining how it impacts me as a wife and mother. I often struggle to be openminded to change and resist adapting to things out of my norm. But right now, I don't have much of a choice. And just like my little guy when things are not meeting his expectations, I take a breath, reassess, and see what I can do in the moment to compromise. After all it's not forever, it's just for now. May you all find your creative space to dance mommas.

Okay, so it's been a minute or two since I posted here. Alright, maybe more than a minute. But I am back! It is not that I didn't have material or anything to discuss. I have had plenty! But time and patience are two things that have become major players in my daily life. Rather than spend time stressing out over something I created to enjoy, I decided to put it to rest temporarily. I knew I would return, when the time was right. 

Isn't it funny how most of us resist change? It seems like human nature to oppose any time we  encounter a shift in our routine. We see it in our children daily! They have a meltdown because they don't want to go to school on a Monday after the weekend. They struggle with sharing their precious toys because their friends might harm it or lose it. They are hesitant in new environments that are unfamiliar and often hide their little selves behind your leg as you try to enter a room. Adults are truly no different. As parents, we know that change is inevitable. Our little ones change daily as they develop new skills and personality traits. We look back on baby pictures and fond memories aching for earlier times. But why? Why is it so challenging for us to move forward while we cling to the familiar? 

Most of my life, I have spent a fair amount of time in one space. For 18 years, I lived in New Mexico with my parents. The next four were spent in Canyon, Texas for college. But there was a time when there was a question where I would be. I moved to Florida and worked some regional theatre contracts, had several sublet apartments in New York, and spent time in between with family and my boyfriend. I actually wrote a song called "My Suitcase Doesn't Have an Address" because nowhere I stayed was truly mine. Forwarded mail and borrowed addresses was my normal. It was quite exciting...until it wasn't. I began to long for the stability of my own apartment with my own belongings. Then I found it and it was lovely, for awhile. The reality that I could stay in that 3 bedroom, 1 bath apartment for longer than a couple of years came to fruition. And I missed my long distance boyfriend terribly. If our relationship was going to survive, I would have to do something I hated doing...change. 

Fast forward to 15 years later. We own a home and both have stable careers. Our 3-year old is blowing our minds daily with his growth and newfound skills. But watching him grow and looking around our world, it has become apparent that change is inevitable. Once upon a time, I thought I would stay here forever. It didn't matter what we did, children or not. This could be our forever home. Looking back, how silly I was. At such an early age, my son embraces the outdoors and animals of every species. He likes to play in the dirt and run without fear of a car in the road. It seems he has embraced the cowboy life that I walked away from 20 years ago. So, my life is officially making a shift. A friend once told me that "their joy will become your joy". I never knew how much I would miss the quiet country life until I saw it through my son's eyes. Now, everything seems to be noise. And I can't wait to escape it. For the first time in my life, my career is less important to me. My son's happiness is the ultimate priority. 

Does this mean I am giving up dance, theatre, or the arts? Absolutely not! On the contrary, I am actively pursuing opportunities that might allow me to give him the life he craves and satisfy my own artistic needs. But it is forcing me to slow down, stop and reflect, and do something that I do not normally like to do...change. Change more than just a location. Change my perspective. Change my approach to endeavors. Change my habits. Yes, it is a lot. But when I see the joy in the eyes of that little boy, I don't seem to care anymore. Because he is my everything. And whether I am dancing in a studio or in my kitchen, I am whole when he is happy. Don't be afraid of change mommas. It is coming regardless of whether you like it or not. We might as well embrace it and make the most of the present. Plus, we never know what new adventures might be in store as we take this leap of faith. In the words of one of my favorite songs, "I Hope You Dance":
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                I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
                Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.
                Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
                And when you get the choice to sit it our or dance, 
​                Dance. 
                

Happy Holidays to all! This year has gone by so quickly, much faster than usual. I honestly feel like life with a toddler seems to make time move faster somehow. Anyway, with the holiday season upon us, we are absolutely feeling the pressure of everything. As a teacher, the semester is coming to an end. Those projects need grading, creative dance games are created, Nutcrackers and performances are prepped and performed, and all of us look forward to that moment to breathe on the last day. As a mother, the to-do list is longer than Santa's nice list! But we pull up our big girl  britches, take a deep breathe, and tackle each day with a smile and a positive attitude. Not going to lie, sometimes that goes out the window before I have even had my first cup of coffee. But here are a few things I have begun to do that keep my head in the right space and my holiday cheer up!

First, I know that we all want to make the holidays magical for our young ones. This is the first year my son really is seeing a change in season and something different around him. That said, it is the little things like looking at lights, cuddling and watching old school Christmas cartoons, and turning the lights on our own Christmas tree that can bring him joy. I have been doing a 12-day Holiday Challenge that encourages me to take a step back and reflect on my own mental state to put my best foot forward each day. The little tasks that this challenge presents have given me a lot of insight and brought a calm positivity to each day. As parents, there is so much we want to give our children, especially during the holiday season. But I have to find some balance in the mayhem of parties, events, shopping, guests, performances, and so on.  

One of my favorite Christmases was about 15 years ago in New York City. I was coming off my last contract and collecting unemployment, so the funds to properly shop for my loved ones was lacking. But I decided to take the day and make the most of it. After all, some of the best things in New York didn't cost a cent. So I headed down to the holiday market at Union Square and purchased some gifts for my boyfriend down there. I then realized that I never took the time to see the tree at Rockefeller Center, so I took the train to 5th avenue. As I walked past the windows drinking hot apple cider, my heart could have exploded from the holiday cheer. You see, I probably spent less than $200 on all of the gifts I needed to purchase that night. And I was completely alone! But it was the choice I made to surround myself with beautiful things that made that night one of the most memorable ones ever. 

Whatever your holidays have in store, may you take the time to be present, not just for yourself but also your loved ones. I have had more fun with some of the surprise moments with my son. Of course we have taken him to tree lightings, to meet Santa, and several other events. But it was his fascination with the fake snow that brought him so much joy, not waiting in line to meet St. Nick. So don't dwell too much on making it all perfect mommas. Your memories will be beautiful regardless. Happy Holidays and Happy Dancing!