Last week I discussed how the ability to dance got me through pregnancy. This week I am going to address another part of pregnancy. This post may trigger an emotional or frustrated response from some individuals. Keep in mind that this was strictly MY experience. And not once did I regret or resent having a child. I was elated to know that I was going to have a baby. But my issues that I had with my own body prior to conceiving did not magically go away when I got pregnant. They just presented themselves in a different way.
First of all, I know that many people have dislikes and frustrations with their physical appearance. As a dancer, I tend to find those problem areas and constantly hone in on them. Looking in a mirror for several hours a day, you have plenty of time to do that. So when I found out I was pregnant, this was immediately one of my first concerns. During my first trimester, it wasn’t too bad. Actually, I wondered if and when I would really start showing. I was dancing in grad school, so I was definitely active. Then the second trimester hit and it was time to share with others that I was carrying a child. My belly was still pretty small and I could get away with wearing most of my normal clothes. The joy that people shared in my news quickly wore off when I began receiving unwarranted comments on my body and how I was carrying. “Oh my goodness, you are so tiny!” or “wow, you are really showing today” all rang in my head and gave me the strangest form of anxiety. It wasn’t a simple, “oh you look radiant”, “you are beautiful”, or “you look happy.” It was the comments on my physical appearance. And what bothered me even more was that it was considered normal and acceptable! I remember teaching ballet at the beginning of my third trimester and doing a tendu back while facing the barre. I looked in the mirror and holy crap! Where did that booty come from??? As soon as I realized it, I pulled my sweater over my backside. I avoided wearing anything even remotely rump exposing after that, even in a dance class. Should I have been ashamed? No, of course not! But that strange thing in my brain that told me I needed to look a certain way went into overdrive that day. There was a constant battle going on in my brain between what I knew was essential for the health of my child and a 20-year old habit of scrutinizing my appearance. Even getting in the pool in my own backyard, I refrained from wearing anything that was too revealing. I found myself not wanting to take pregnancy photos and had 0 desire to have professional ones. I wasn’t very social and didn’t always want to go out to dinner or see friends. My social media presence was dwindling and I never even announced my pregnancy on Facebook or Instagram. Again, it had nothing to do with being ashamed of being a mother. It was strictly my body. Fortunately, by my last month of pregnancy, which was also during the Christmas break, I became so busy with preparing and planning, I tended not to notice my growing belly. I also wasn’t spending the majority of my day staring at my reflection, so that was a plus. I finally felt excited for what was to come. And of course, January 9, he changed my life for the better. I present this topic because I am saddened that it isn’t discussed more, especially during this time of body acceptance. Do I think that being a dancer amplified my problem? Not necessarily. But many of my traits that I have AS a dancer did not benefit my frustrations with weight gain and my changing body. Dancers are eager to please and are constantly striving for perfection. I could not always perform certain steps, as there were some restrictions for my, and my unborn child’s, safety. In addition to my changing body, my stamina was not up to par. While these were all temporary, it created a small sense of panic in my head. I am grateful to my fellow dancing mommies, both in my office and in life, who helped me navigate this process. It is challenging to have issues with your body…period. Sometimes knowing that you aren’t the only one can just make you feel a little less alone. And I hope that this post does just that.
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Tomorrow, I will be the mother of a two-year old. It is truly mind blowing how fast time flies. Though 1/9 is my son's birthdate, the 8th is just as significant.
In January 2020, after the holidays, I worked frantically to prepare my classes for my upcoming maternity leave. I wanted to ensure that my students knew their warm-up and were prepared to adapt to class with a temporary teacher. In theory, I had almost two weeks to prepare them for my leave. My due date was the 19th. However, on January 8th, I was working on battements and pirouettes with them and actually doing them myself! So imagine my surprise when my perinatal doctor sent me to the hospital to be induced that evening! The planner and organizer in me was definitely thrown off. I thought, "how can I possibly be having my child now? I was dancing this morning!!!". But of course, at 11:06 the next day, the 9th, my little guy arrived. Ironically, Etta James "At Last" was playing through my airpods when I made the final push. Being able to dance throughout my pregnancy made such a difference for me. I spent a lot of my pregnancy uncertain and concerned, mostly because I wasn't sure what was supposed to be "normal". I equated being able to dance with my regular routine, therefore, it provided a sense of calm for me. As my pregnancy progressed into the final trimester, I definitely slowed down a bit. But even being in the studio felt like a safe space to occupy. I also found additional connections with my unborn son. I will never forget the time that I was teaching grand battements to my ballet class and I felt a few quick jabs to my ribs from the inside. He was right on the music, even in utero! These little moments brought joy and a renewed sense of excitement each time. And I welcomed these new discoveries as a way to bond with my little human. Being a parent is exciting, but it can also be daunting and terrifying. And pregnancy is no different. People say that you forget the uncomfortableness and the pain you experience. Unfortunately, I am not there quite yet. But, I hope I never forget the beautiful moments that I shared while dancing and creating with my little guy still in my belly. It was a common bond that we shared and even on the outside, he still loves to dance! Happy birthday to my sweet boy! Cheers and Happy New Year to all! I think that it is fair to say that we all are hoping for something better in 2022. My name is Nikki Allred Boyd and I am a dancer, choreographer, dance teacher, and as of January 2020, a mom. This blog is about that...life as a mom who dances.
Now, some people may wonder why this differs from any other parenting blog. My goal for this is to discuss and reveal struggles and successes of being a mother in this industry. Being a mom is hard...period. Even if your life is 100% devoted to raising your child and nothing else, the struggle can be so real at times. But what happens when other passions and obligations come in to play? My entire existence on this planet has primarily revolved around dance. That sounds extreme, but it's true. My schedule, my habits, and my diet all play a role in my life as a dancer. So what happens when you add a small human in the mix? I know that I am not a rare case. There are several mothers in this industry. From professional ballet to Broadway, moms are everywhere! I remember reading bios in programs and the performers mentioning their favorite role to date is being a mom. That line always impressed me and I thought, "wow! They are superheroes!". Popular dance publications have saluted and celebrated these individuals for the persistence and continued work in the business. But underneath the social media posts and pictures, the stage lights and makeup, what is underneath? Do dancers have the same struggles as every other parent? Or is the pressure more? Dancers have an inner desire for perfection. That's what makes us some of the hardest workers in the performing arts. Does that same ambition affect the way you approach parenting? What happens when things don't work out the way you anticipated? These are all questions that I am hoping to address through my own experiences and interviews with friends and colleagues. This blog is not meant to be political or a feminist approach to being a mom. It is simply in place to discuss the struggles and successes of being a momma who dances. From pregnancy to graduations, this journey is a unique one. Add to that one's artistic inclinations and it can be a whole new level of crazy! I think that crazy is worth talking about. Welcome to "The Dancing Momma"! |
AuthorNikki Allred Boyd (Dancer, Choreographer, Mom). Archives
March 2024
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