Last week I discussed how the ability to dance got me through pregnancy. This week I am going to address another part of pregnancy. This post may trigger an emotional or frustrated response from some individuals. Keep in mind that this was strictly MY experience. And not once did I regret or resent having a child. I was elated to know that I was going to have a baby. But my issues that I had with my own body prior to conceiving did not magically go away when I got pregnant. They just presented themselves in a different way.
First of all, I know that many people have dislikes and frustrations with their physical appearance. As a dancer, I tend to find those problem areas and constantly hone in on them. Looking in a mirror for several hours a day, you have plenty of time to do that. So when I found out I was pregnant, this was immediately one of my first concerns. During my first trimester, it wasn’t too bad. Actually, I wondered if and when I would really start showing. I was dancing in grad school, so I was definitely active. Then the second trimester hit and it was time to share with others that I was carrying a child. My belly was still pretty small and I could get away with wearing most of my normal clothes. The joy that people shared in my news quickly wore off when I began receiving unwarranted comments on my body and how I was carrying. “Oh my goodness, you are so tiny!” or “wow, you are really showing today” all rang in my head and gave me the strangest form of anxiety. It wasn’t a simple, “oh you look radiant”, “you are beautiful”, or “you look happy.” It was the comments on my physical appearance. And what bothered me even more was that it was considered normal and acceptable! I remember teaching ballet at the beginning of my third trimester and doing a tendu back while facing the barre. I looked in the mirror and holy crap! Where did that booty come from??? As soon as I realized it, I pulled my sweater over my backside. I avoided wearing anything even remotely rump exposing after that, even in a dance class. Should I have been ashamed? No, of course not! But that strange thing in my brain that told me I needed to look a certain way went into overdrive that day. There was a constant battle going on in my brain between what I knew was essential for the health of my child and a 20-year old habit of scrutinizing my appearance. Even getting in the pool in my own backyard, I refrained from wearing anything that was too revealing. I found myself not wanting to take pregnancy photos and had 0 desire to have professional ones. I wasn’t very social and didn’t always want to go out to dinner or see friends. My social media presence was dwindling and I never even announced my pregnancy on Facebook or Instagram. Again, it had nothing to do with being ashamed of being a mother. It was strictly my body. Fortunately, by my last month of pregnancy, which was also during the Christmas break, I became so busy with preparing and planning, I tended not to notice my growing belly. I also wasn’t spending the majority of my day staring at my reflection, so that was a plus. I finally felt excited for what was to come. And of course, January 9, he changed my life for the better. I present this topic because I am saddened that it isn’t discussed more, especially during this time of body acceptance. Do I think that being a dancer amplified my problem? Not necessarily. But many of my traits that I have AS a dancer did not benefit my frustrations with weight gain and my changing body. Dancers are eager to please and are constantly striving for perfection. I could not always perform certain steps, as there were some restrictions for my, and my unborn child’s, safety. In addition to my changing body, my stamina was not up to par. While these were all temporary, it created a small sense of panic in my head. I am grateful to my fellow dancing mommies, both in my office and in life, who helped me navigate this process. It is challenging to have issues with your body…period. Sometimes knowing that you aren’t the only one can just make you feel a little less alone. And I hope that this post does just that.
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AuthorNikki Allred Boyd (Dancer, Choreographer, Mom). Archives
March 2024
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