It’s October and I am finally feeling like autumn is calming and slowing me down. After many years of go, go, go, I like to take my time a bit more. That’s something that this new journey has allowed me to do-slow down and take note of my blessings and joy.
Getting back to where I left off a few weeks ago, acknowledging and accepting burn out, I want to talk about one thing specifically. Guilt. Not just mom guilt, but guilt from feeling like I couldn’t handle everything. Doesn’t that sound silly? I felt guilty for not being able to work an 8 to 10 hour a day job, feed my family dinner, clean my house, be there for my son, and prep and plan for each day. That’s not even including the mass amounts of choreography, collaborations, birthday parties, special events, and so on. But the shame that I felt when I finally realized that I needed to step back from all of the dancing and theatre was heartbreaking. I felt like I let myself down for all of the work I had been doing since college. I wondered if that master’s degree was even worth it. Had I betrayed my career? And then I cried. I took a moment. And when I collected myself, I reflected on what my life had become and what it could be. This morning, around 5:00, I got up and helped my husband get out the door. He didn’t ask, in fact he told me to go back to bed. I just wanted to. I am not sure that we will see each other later, so we spent about 10 minutes drinking coffee and talking because our son was still asleep. Any parent knows this is rare. I wrote this post and finished this second cup of coffee and did my daily workout. Then I got my little guy ready and out the door for school. Came home and did some chores and then revisited the choreography that remains of the one piece I am doing. Began planning for the two guest classes I will be teaching at one of the local colleges next week. This is all a significant workload. The difference is that now I have time to prioritize myself. I struggled to do that before. I felt like I was drowning in priorities and the need to appease everyone and everything around me was overwhelming. I believed that I was not doing a good job at ANY of my responsibilities-dance teacher, choreographer, mother, wife. So factoring my own self-care into the equation was just not possible. Yet, I struggled to let go of anything! Those were MY classes I built, MY choreography gigs and obligations, and that was who defined ME. But was it? It’s been a few months since I started this new path. And as I said in my last post, I do not have to be defined by one thing. Yes, I am a dancer and that will never change as long as I don’t let it. But there are so many other layers to me, now including the role of mother. Guilt will not play a part in defining me. When I was younger, I did a speech for a competition. I was about 12 years old and I began with “I believe variety is the spice of life!”. I absolutely believe that! And wearing a lot of hats is nothing new for me. Some hats just need the dust brushed off a little bit. It is possible to be momma, dancer/choreographer/teacher, horseman, educator, cook, crafter, and so on. Maybe now that I have realized this, my son and I can grow together and he can try on some of those hats I mentioned. And sometimes, the living room dance parties might just have to be my performance for the day. I finally realized, that’s not just okay but it's perfect! Happy dancing mommas!
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AuthorNikki Allred Boyd (Dancer, Choreographer, Mom). Archives
March 2024
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