March is almost over and I cannot believe we are a quarter into 2024. It has been a month full of activity and joy. My family has unintentionally created some fun little memories and I love that we have taken the time to step away from the workload to enjoy one another. This has been so fulfilling and definitely brought on the joy of Spring.
As I mentioned in my last month's post, I got a little taste of performing again and it was rejuvenating! I rode that wave for several days until I came back down to earth and realized that I needed to move on. The experience was a good indicator that I am not done yet! But in regards to what my next move is as a career, going back into the dance studio to teach full time just doesn't seem like a good fit for the moment. But I definitely miss the creative aspect! I have found creativity in the most random ways- cooking fun new recipes, organizing small spaces, learning my son's favorite songs on guitar, and even photographing the new recipes on my nice, new camera! These have all been interesting ways that provide a little highlight and temporarily check that creative box. But they aren't movements and they aren't physical. So I eventually found myself in the same place of feeling like something was missing. I have often written about the loss of identity as a parent, specifically a mother. Consider your childhood friends growing up. How many of them did you actually know their mother or father’s name? I remember a friend named “Jessie” and I actually called her mom “Mrs. Jessie”! While it was my sad attempt at being comically respectful, I now realize that it may have been more hurtful. When I was pregnant, I knew that some change was inevitable. But I don’t know if I realized just how much. With my son being young, it became obvious that things would be easier and possibly better if I left my job. I would be capable of being the primary caregiver with significantly less stress. It would simplify so many aspects of our life. But it would also leave me searching for purpose and meaning, outside of being a mom. Many will call this selfish, as children are a blessing and I am fortunate that my husband can support a family. But does that make my point any less relevant? How many wives and mothers became “Joe’s Mom” and “Harry’s wife”? My own mom took a back seat to be my dad’s cheerleader and my own, as well. And though I was so grateful for all of the time she invested and all of the sacrifices she made, I now wonder if she felt the same way I do at times. Did she miss being a part of some of her favorite activities? I can attest that my mom currently is living her best life and I hope that my retirement can mirror hers. But I do think it is worth acknowledging that so much changes in a mother’s life while her children are young. That does a lot to a person. So while I am still figuring out what to do with this new position, I do my best to take care of myself. That includes working out at home, listening to personal development, dance parties in the kitchen, and making time for me to breathe. Of course this is in addition to planning meals, budget grocery shopping, and trying to keep my house from looking like the mess from a 4-year old residing here. And it’s not all bad! I actually forgot how much I enjoy cooking! I also have found some pleasure in meal planning, as strange as that sounds. Googling and researching healthy, creative ways to make chicken is just calming. To be honest, I wonder how I was able to make this work when I was working full-time. No wonder I was a stressed out mess! But doing these things has forced me back to the core of my being. And while I might not be who I used to be, I am finding root in who I have become and continue to grow into. There are growing pains, but that’s where that breath and mindfulness comes into play. And with this Spring, may we continue to grow and blossom into the beautiful humans we desire to be. Happy dancing, mommas.
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AuthorNikki Allred Boyd (Dancer, Choreographer, Mom). Archives
March 2024
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